Happy Tree Friends: Interviews
by Mark Shepherd
Summary: A little interview with the characters inside the world of Happy Tree Friends. This interview: Nutty. Please R/R. (DISCONTINUED.)
1. Flippy

Disclaimer: I don't own Happy Tree Friends, characters, situations or anything related to Mondo media, blah, blah, blah, blah! And all that other crap that would get me sued for.

Today, we're going to take an in depth view of Happy Tree Friends by interviewing some of the most popular (and not so popular) characters inside it. Now to start off the interview with the notorious… wait a minute (Shuffles through papers) AW CRAP! ITS FLIPPY! *sighs* oh well, I just hope he doesn't flip out inside this presentation and kill everyone. Anyways, how are you doing Flippy?

Flippy: You shall only talk to the Sergeant only when he talks first, Private!

Mark Shepherd: But I'm giving the interview!

Flippy: Oh, silly me

Mark Shepherd: Sooo.. For starters, why don't we talk about your childhood?

Flippy: Well, I was born to an abusive family that had little or no love involved, so I joined the army to take care of myself.

Mark Shepherd: Wow that must be tough

Flippy: There the instructor was just like my parents, but he soon died in a freak accident as a badminton racket penetrated his eye socket.

Mark Shepherd: Well, that's a strange way to die

Flippy: So I was sent to Vietnam to fight in the war, only to develop PTSD. So instead of killing mindlessly for a corrupted government, I now kill people only to satisfy my PTSD.

Mark Shepherd: Makes sense.

(Mark Shepherd looks through questions and takes out a card)

Mark Shepherd: So anyways, how was life inside the army?

Flippy: Its hilarious if your rank is higher than the other maggots, as you can make them do pushups if they mess up on the smallest mistake. Just one problem however…

Mark Shepherd: Huh?

Flippy: I need.. I ne..

Mark Shepherd: You need what?

Flippy: OH GOD I NEED A WOMAN!

Mark Shepherd: What?!

Flippy: Ever since I joined the army, I didn't have sex with any woman at all! I'm about to burst!

Mark Shepherd: Ohhhh, where did I put the rest of my questions

(Mark Shepherd exits room and looks for some sheets inside the other room)

Mark Shepherd: There we go. Now moving on..

Flippy: Why are these interviews never interesting?

Mark Shepherd: I just have one more question to as…

(Light bulb falls and shatters)

Flippy: Grrrrr…

Mark Shepherd: Oh crap, here we go again

(Evil Flippy chases Mark Shepherd out the balcony with a knife)

Mark Shepherd: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mark Shepherd: *huff* Anyways *puff* That's the end of part 1 *huff* Stay tuned for *puff* part 2...

Evil Flippy: SHANK!

Mark Shepherd: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY ASS!

Evil Flippy: SHANK!

Mark Shepherd: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! WHY MY ASS!?


	2. Pop

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't own Happy Tree Friends, situations, or Mondo media, jeez! Along with that other stuff that would get my ass sued.

Now that last interview didn't go along so well (Scratches bandages) so this time we will interview the only father in the show, Pop. So tell me, was your trip here pleasant?

Pop: It sure was, and I heard sarcasm when you said "pleasant".

Mark Shepherd: Oh boy… (eye roll)

Pop: I saw that.

Mark Shepherd: Whatever. Anyways, since you're a father, may I ask how your hometown was like before Mondo Media made Happy Tree Friends and screwed you guys over?

Pop: Ah, those good old days when it was just a paradise without bloodshed and murder…

Mark Shepherd: Actually it says here that "paradise" was actually a wasteland filled with perverted hate and people.

Pop: No one is perfect…

Mark Shepherd: (Eyeroll)

Pop: I saw that.

Mark Shepherd: I know. Anyways, may I ask how why you broke up with your wife?

Pop: Erm, but I was never married…

Mark Shepherd: Then how did you get your son, Cub then?

Pop: Well, you see, I had to adopt Cub from the foster home, because he needs a good father like me. Where else are you going to find a better father than me?

Mark Shepherd: Actually, it says over here that even a drunk Lumpy can take care of a son better than you, and that…

Pop: Say, may I use your bathroom?

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Very well…

Some time later…

Pop: (Opens door and breaks doorknob) Ahhhh, that feels so much better…

(Steam comes out of bathroom)

Mark Shepherd: (Sniff sniff) Aw crap, not another pothead. (Sighs) I promised myself not to interview another one of them since that little incident at school…

Pop: That's better, what were you going to ask me again?

Mark Shepherd: OH right, I heard from many people that you had personal issues. Is this true?

Pop: Yeah it was, but I had to seriously man up and dealt with it myself.

Mark Shepherd: ACTUALLY it says here that if Giggles' Mom didn't slap you with her purse and tell you to man the hell up, you would still be sucking down on scotch and puking inside Lumpy's outhouse…

Pop: I strongly resent that! I strictly only drink Whiskey after that incident!

Mark Shepherd: Very well. Just a few more quest…

Pop: Wait a minute, why are you even asking me these questions?

Mark Shepherd: Because they pay me to.

Pop: THEY DO!?

Mark Shepherd: No, but my friends do threaten to beat the almighty shit out of me if I don't…

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee

Mark Shepherd: Anyways moving on.. Will you ever plan to get married?

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee

Mark Shepherd: Pop?

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee

Mark Shepherd: Pop?!

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well at least he didn't puke all over the carpet like when Splendid did it all over the girls…

(Pop suddenly pukes.)

Mark Shepherd: Aw shit! My mom is going to kill me for this one!

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee.. I don't feel so good.. Hee, Hee, Hee…

Mark Shepherd: (Comes back with mop and bucket) Anyways folks that's the end of this interview. Stay tuned for more…

Pop: Hee, Hee, Hee, Hee…

(Mark Shepherd hits pop with his mop, causing him to puke again)

Pop: Hee, Hee, I don't feel so good..

(Mark Shepherd hits Pop with a ball bat this time, knocking him out)

Mark Shepherd: (Scrubbing the puke with a mop) Where's a neat freak when you need one…


	3. Giggles

Disclaimer: Jesus Christ! Do I have to write a disclaimer for everyone of these interviews? Anyways, I don't own Mondo Media, characters, and all the stuff I said in the previous disclaimers.

Hello again, to another series of Happy Tree Friends interviews. Now that last interview with Pop ended very badly, as this puke is still stuck inside the carpet. (Checks carpet inside washing machine) Anyways, today we will interview the endearing but heavily trashed chipmunk, Giggles.

Giggles: Thank you Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: Anyways, lets see…(Alarm clock starts to ring) Oh, the carpet is done washing, just give me a second…

(Mark Shepherd puts down his laptop and runs toward the laundry room. Giggles picks up the laptop and begins to type on it.)

A few minutes later…

(Mark Shepherd enters the room, carrying the carpet)

Mark Shepherd: Ohh, I don't feel so good. Oh gosh, I think I'm going to puke…

Giggles: (Giggles lightly) Um, yeah, you might wanna look at yourself in the bathroom mirror…

Mark Shepherd: Huh? (Mark Shepherd goes down to the bathroom to take a look.)

A few seconds later…

Mark Shepherd: JUMPIN' JESUS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?!

Giggles: Is there a little problem there? (Giggles)

Mark Shepherd: A little problem?! I look almost like your mother, just without the hairbow and apron…

Giggles: What's the problem about that…?

Mark Shepherd: I'm a guy, smart one!

Giggles: You're a guy?

Mark Shepherd: (Falls over) HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT?!

Giggles: Well, you can always change yourself back…

Mark Shepherd: You may have a point here..(Mark Shepherd puts down the carpet and tries to open the file on the laptop.) Oh crap, what was the password again…

(Mark Shepherd looks at the clock and stack of papers)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Anyways, on with the interview. So the other day when I was watching the news, I saw them carrying USAF pilots away. Two of them looked exactly like you and Lumpy. May you explain what happened?

Giggles: (Sighs) Well, it all started off us joining the air force…

Mark Shepherd : Um…May I ask why?

Giggles: Well we heard that they pay better than girl scouts, and you know how I still owe Petunia for losing that game…

Mark Shepherd: Uh huh…

Giggles: Yeah, so when Lumpy saw an F-16 jet for the first time, he freaked out because he thought it was a new strain of mosquito attacking America…

Mark Shepherd: (Facepalm) Lumpy's stupidity really surprises me sometimes. Anyways, proceed.

Giggles: So he freaked out and tried to kill it with a baseball bat. In the end, he cracked the fuel tank and hit the jet fuel starter, which resulted in a huge chain reaction of everything blowing up…

Mark Shepherd: I actually have no comment for that…

Giggles: I thought that we were screwed over, but instead, the president dedicated a new Fighter squadron for us.

Mark Shepherd: I never knew the president was that good hearted…

Giggles: Yeah, to honour the dumbest pilots inside the airforce.

Mark Shepherd: I stand corrected…

Giggles: I know, but it also explains why we only have to pay the medical bill.

Mark Shepherd: Do I dare to ask about the medical bill…

Giggles: Well, since we got discharged from the military, I have to work as a girl scout again and (Pulls out calculator) sell 37,132 more boxes of cookies to pay off the bill…

Mark Shepherd: Well that's gotta suck…

(Knocks on door)

Giggles: Oh shit, those lawyers found me again, time for me to go…

(Giggles jumps out from the balcony)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Looks like this interview is over. Good day and good night, fellow readers.

(Door suddenly gets destroyed)

Mark Shepherd: OH SHIT, looks like I'd better get going as well…

* * *

I know, this interview wasn't as funny. I'll make the next one better.


	4. Disco Bear

Disclaimer: Disclaimers, disclaimers, disclaimer… well you get the idea, I don't own anything from Happy Tree Friends and some crap like that.

Hello fellow readers. I know that last interview wasn't very funny, so I'm going to make up for that last part inside this one. That's why you're reading this right? No? Well who cares, because today we're going to interview the notorious Disco Bear.

Mark Shepherd: Hello fellow readers, today we're going to interview the pedophile up the ass himself, Disco Bear.

Mark Shepherd: So tell me, how have you been doing lately?

Disco Bear: A lot better, considering how the doctors treated me after that barfight last night…

Mark Shepherd: (Eyeroll) Well that's what you get for trying to flirt with the girls…

Disco Bear: THAT LITTLE BITCH! NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!

Mark Shepherd: Well that's certainly different; why don't you tell us what happened?

Disco Bear: Well, Lammy was looking for a man to do the hockey pokey with. Since she got desperate, she asked me to do it with her, which I rejected and got beaten up badly for…

Mark Shepherd: Ewwwwww.

Disco Bear: She's sick, isn't she?

Mark Shepherd: Damn straight. Like who in the right mind would ask you out to do anything?

Disco Bear: Yeah exactly. Wait a minute, did you just insult me?!

Mark Shepherd: Yeah, well I am the one who writes these things.

Disco Bear: Listen you little punk, no one insults me and gets away with it. I don't take crap from no-

Mark Shepherd: Except for the girls you try to flirt with.

Disco Bear: Shut up! Who do you think you are?

Mark Shepherd: I am the most powerful being inside this little fantasy world.

Disco Bear: Oh yeah? Who the hell would that be?

Mark Shepherd: (-_-) I. am. THE AUTHOR.

Disco Bear: Huh?

Mark Shepherd: What do you mean "Huh"? I am the author, the person who writes these stories.

Disco Bear: Is that supposed to scare me? Cause you almost look like Giggles' mom.

Mark Shepherd: I will answer that in a second. (Mark Shepherd pulls out his laptop and starts to type.)

A few seconds later..

Disco Bear: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HAVE BOOBS! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!

Mark Shepherd: That was just a little show of what I can actually do.

Disco Bear: You better change me back or else I'll..

Mark Shepherd: Hold on a second. (Mark Shepherd begins to type again.)

Mark Shepherd: There. You might want to look at yourself inside the mirror. (Mark Shepherd pulls out his camera and starts to record.)

Disco Bear: ? (Goes to the bathroom to look)

A few minutes later..

Disco Bear: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mark Shepherd: ^_^

Disco Bear: MY BODY. MY BEAUTIFUL BODY. YOU BASTARD. IM. IM A GIRL!

Mark Shepherd: (Giggles)

Disco Bear: YOU BASTARD!

Mark Shepherd: Wow, this footage would be certain to get more views than Giggles at the Malt shop.

(Disco Bear begins to cry pathetically)

Mark Shepherd: Alright, alright, I will change you back. BUT ONLY IF YOU SHUT UP!

Disco Bear: (sobs) I'm nothing without little self!

Mark Shepherd: Little. Self.

Disco Bear: JUST CHANGE IT BACK!

Mark Shepherd: Alright, alright, Jeez. (Mark Shepherd pulls out laptop and starts to type again.)

Disco Bear: Oh thank go… Wait a minute, I'm so small I can hardly see it!

Mark Shepherd: You said LITTLE SELF. Take it or leave it.

Disco Bear: Ugh.. Lets just get on with the interview…

Mark Shepherd: OH right. (Mark Shepherd looks through papers) Right, so is it true that you were terribly spoiled by rich parents?

Disco Bear: Yes, as my parents were part of a very dangerous drug group who often get into conflicts with the government.

Mark Shepherd: Right, so they were so dangerous that even a naked Flaky managed to tazer both your parents in the eye with one shot…

Disco Bear: (Fake cough) Yeah like that.

Mark Shepherd: Which reminds me, Giggles wanted me to give you this. (Hands Disco Bear a brown box.)

Disco Bear: A gift? For me? (Disco Bear opens box and gets sprayed.)

Disco Bear: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY EYES!

Mark Shepherd: (Sniff Sniff) Dear god, that explains why my rooms were smelling this bad. That skunk spray was starting to leak!

(Fireaxe chops through the door.)

Disco Bear: OH shit, Lammy must have found me. Better get going…

(Disco Bear jumps out the balcony.)

Mark Shepherd: (Facepalm) Why does everyone do that.

(Lammy and Mr. Pickles break through the door.)

Lammy: Alright, where is he?!

Mark Shepherd: (Deep sigh) That way.

Lammy: Reject me, will he. (Stalks out of the balcony.)

Mark Shepherd: Well that looks like this interview is over. Good day and good night, fellow readers.

Down the street…

Disco Bear: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lammy: YOU CANT RUN FOREVER! PICKLES, AFTER HIM!

Disco Bear: (Huff) Must. (Puff) Get. Away.

Mr. Pickles: (Shank)

Disco Bear: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! MY LITTLE SELF!

Lammy: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Mark Shepherd: OHH, that's gotta hurt. (Holds up First aid kit and pickle sandwich)


	5. Flaky

Disclaimer: (Yawns) Lets see… Disclaimer, Disclaimer, Disclaimer, I don't own Happy Tree Friends, characters, situations… well you get the idea.

Welcome to another episode of Happy Tree Friends: Interviews. We hope to bring to you hilarious interviews (hopefully) that would make you laugh until you puke. (Not in my carpet, jeez!) Anyways, we will interview the timid but popular porcupine today, Flaky.

Mark Shepherd: That's strange; she's still not here. Oh well, maybe she freaked out again at a hamburger or something.

(Mark Shepherd looks at his watch.)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well that's why we keep ice cream, right?

(Seven brain freezes later…)

Mark Shepherd: (Looks at watch) Jesus Christ! Something tells me that interviewing Flaky wasn't the best idea… Good day and good…

(Flaky suddenly comes in.)

Flaky: Hey man, sorry I'm late…

Mark Shepherd: Flaky! You're four hours la… GOOD LORD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!?

Flaky: I'd rather not talk about it…

Mark Shepherd: Please, sit down and tell us about what happened.

Flaky: Its just… Its just…

Mark Shepherd: Its just what?

Flaky: I can't… I can't…

Mark Shepherd: You can't what?

Flaky: …Take it anymore…

Mark Shepherd: TAKE WHAT ANYMORE?

Flaky: It's Flippy! Ever since a few months ago, he's been calling me non-stop, I can't take it anymore!

Mark Shepherd: …uhhhhhhhhhhh

Flaky: LIKE WHO GAVE HIM THE IDEA TO CALL ME!?

Mark Shepherd: (Eyeroll) Boy, I really want to know…

Flaky: Like at first it was kind of great; but then he started calling everyday, at work, at school, while I'm shopping, all the time! I haven't slept since; the only sleep I got was when I jabbed myself with a tranquilizer dart…

Mark Shepherd: Man, that's gotta be rough.

Flaky: It seems like Flippy and his fans can't seem to get enough of this "Flaky loving"…

Mark Shepherd: Uhh, "Flaky Loving"?

Flaky: SHUT UP!

Mark Shepherd: Man, that's gotta suck for you. Anyways, on with the inter…

(Flaky's cellphone begins to ring.)

Flaky: Oh no, not again… no, No, NO, NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Mark Shepherd turns the camera to his face)

Mark Shepherd: Uhhh, better go to a commercial or something…

T.V Announcer: Are you getting tired of traumatized war veterans, ripping your organs out behind the lemonade stand? Are you tired of them suffocating you with ketchup and mustard, or breaking into your house as you take a shower? Well you don't have to worry anymore, with the FLIPPY-BE-GONE, it will be sure to keep them away more than once!

T.V Announcer: Now we will demonstrate the FLIPPY-BE-GONE with a few squirts on our test subject today…

(Announcer squirts some FLIPPY-BE-GONE onto Test subject…)

Test subject (Lifty): (Covers eyes) OH GOD! IT BBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRNNSSSS!

T.V Announcer: See? Not a problem!

(Test subject (a.k.a Lifty) Walks around the room aimlessly)

Lifty: Not a problem?! I can't see!

T.V Announcer: We will now set loose a traumatized war veteran to test the effectiveness of our product today…

Lifty: Live ones?! You didn't tell me that!

T.V Announcer: We told you a lot of things, but you just wanted the money…

(Everyone except for Lifty gets behind the bullet-proof glass)

T.V Announcer: OK, let it loose!

(Small door opens, and Evil Flippy enters the small chamber)

Evil Flippy: Grrrrrrrrrrr….

Lifty: Wait… what was that noise?

T.V Announcer: Um, nothing…

(Evil Flippy attacks Lifty.)

Lifty: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY LEG!

Evil Flippy: HA HA HA HA HA!

Lifty: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

T.V Announcer: Heh, heh, heh…. See how effective it is? (Gulp)

Mark Shepherd: Well that didn't go too well for you didn't it? Flaky, are you alright?

Flaky: (Blowing into paper bag) Yeah I'm fine.

Mark Shepherd: (Talking to Flippy via Cellphone) Yeah? NO, Flaky is not here. YES I am sure of that, I even checked boilers. NOOO, you cannot come over to check my place, it took me weeks to clean this place up! (O_O) SHUT UP! I AM IN NO WAY RELATED TO GIGGLES' FATHER, I WAS HUMAN! SHUT UP, AND GOOD DAY TO YOU!

Mark Shepherd: (Puts down cellphone) Well that was just a load of crap…

Flaky: ..uhh

(Flippy taps on window, with a knife and fireaxe.)

Flaky: Oh crap, looks like Flippy found me again. Better get going…

Mark Shepherd: (Informal Salute) May the lord be with you, my friend.

(Flaky walks out the front door to confront Flippy.)

Mark Shepherd: (Facepalm) Well that was just a load of crap; I didn't even get to ask one question!

(Mark Shepherd looks at the mess of papers)

Mark Shepherd: Well, I just hope the Lumpy interview (My favourite) Won't end like a disaster like this… Good day and Good night, fellow readers.


	6. Lumpy

Disclaimer: Alright, screw the disclaimers; you know the deal, I don't own Happy Tree Friends and some shit like that.

Welcome again to another episode of Happy Tree Friends: Interviews, where my misery and pain shall be your entertainment. Today's interview is with the king of dunces himself, Lumpy.

Mark Shepherd: Hello again fellow readers. Today's interview will revolve around the inept but hilarious moose, Lumpy.

(Mark Shepherd picks up his clipboard and some sheets)

Mark Shepherd: So, Lumpy, tell us how you are feeling today.

Lumpy: (Incoherent snores and grumbles)

Mark Shepherd: Hello? You with me there, buddy?

Lumpy: (Snores and wheezes)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Time to change the tactics I guess

Lumpy: (More incoherent noises)

Mark Shepherd: Oh Lumpy… Lunch time…

(Lumpy jumps up, breaking the lamp and knocking Mark Shepherd over.)

Lumpy: LUNCH! OH MY GOSH, IT'S ALL DARK, I'M GOING BLIND, AND SOMEONE TOOK ONE OF MY LEGS!

(Mark Shepherd gets up)

Mark Shepherd: Your leg was just where you left it the other day, and you're not going blind. Just RELAX!

Lumpy: THEN HOW COME I CAN'T SEE!?

Mark Shepherd: You can't see because you broke the lamp and I forgot to open the blinds…

Lumpy: OH MY GOSH! WHAT DAY IS IT?! WHO'S UP FIRST? WHERE'S MY LEG?!

(Mark Shepherd opens the blinds)

Lumpy: Wait a minute, you just told me it was lunch… you lied!

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs)

(Mark Shepherd hands Lumpy a cheeseburger)

Lumpy: (Eats cheeseburger) Right, so why do you need me again?

Mark Shepherd: I had to interview you as a part of a series I'm making…

Lumpy: (Finishes cheeseburger) Alright, lets just get this over with

Mark Shepherd: FINALLY… First question. So tell us, how are you doing after that airfield accident the other day?

Lumpy: Not too hot, considering that we still have to pay off that medical bill…

Mark Shepherd: (Eyeroll) But are you guys attempting to pay it off at least?

Lumpy: Of course we were, that's why we were out naked in the shopping mall the other day!

Mark Shepherd: That didn't go out so well?

Lumpy: Actually it went out almost perfectly, but then Lifty and Shifty stole our clothes along with our profit…

Mark Shepherd: So… I'm going to guess everything just went downhill from there?

Lumpy: Yeah, Disco Bear saw us naked and proceeded to chase after us…(Grumbles pervert..)

Mark Shepherd: Ewwwww, that's going to leave a bad mental scar.

Lumpy: So when he finally caught up to us, he tackled Giggles down and did the-

Mark Shepherd: Damn it Lumpy, there's kids watching this too, do you want to get mobbed by angry parents or something?

Lumpy: I still have those tapes in 1080-

Mark Shepherd: SHUT UP LUMPY! THIS ISN'T NC-17!

Lumpy: Sorry.

Mark Shepherd: Moving right along… How are you going to pay off the bill now?

Lumpy: Do what any respectable pilot would do- join an aerobatic demonstration squadron!

Mark Shepherd: Wow, I never knew that they accepted dunces like you inside any squadron…

Lumpy: And that's exactly why I was assigned to the Training squadron for dunces

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) How did you even pass flight training…

Lumpy: That's simple; I cheated!

Mark Shepherd: (Eyeroll) How the hell do you even cheat on a flight test…

Lumpy: Let's just say I got a little help from our hero, Splendid…

Mark Shepherd: Shouldn't he be saving the girls from freak accidents or something?

Lumpy: Exactly, but you know him; he cares about his hobbies more than his duties, so I just offered him to shoot up some heroin and he basically chased after my panties for it.

Mark Shepherd: Yeah exactly. Wait a minute, since when did you wear panties?

Lumpy: Well, you remember that day when Flippy skinned me from the belly down?

Mark Shepherd: Uh huh…

Lumpy: Well, the skin won't fit back, so I put it into the washer and got a pair of panties after the wash…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, on the other hand, I don't think I needed to know that.

Lumpy: So, basically Splendid just repositioned my plane every time it fell out of place, but still…

Mark Shepherd: You still failed?

Lumpy: Yes, because I got airsick and puked all over the cockpit. I just ejected afterwards and the plane kept flying…

Mark Shepherd: Did it crash into anything?

Lumpy: No, in fact, they say its still flying to this day…

Mark Shepherd: Very well. Also, since when did Splendid have a heroin addiction?

Lumpy: Ever since we spilled it inside his coffee, that's all I can remember.

(Jet engine sounds in the distance, getting louder)

Mark Shepherd: Wait a minute, what was that noise?

Lumpy: I think it was the ocean…

Mark Shepherd: WHAT!?

Lumpy: I mean, Columbus sailed the oceans, but at the end of every one, a pot of rain smacks him in the face…

Mark Shepherd: Lumpy, let me get this straight to you; this is NOT history class!

Lumpy: Huh? Sorry I was daydreaming again…

(Mark Shepherd looks out the window and sees a Viper jet closing into the house)

Mark Shepherd: Uh oh…

(Lumpy looks out the window and jumps into Mark Shepherd's arms, wetting himself.)

Mark Shepherd/Lumpy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Viper jet crashes into building, knocking out all the cameras filming the interview.)


	7. Lifty

A/N: This interview was requested by the user boony832. So if you're reading this, enjoy!

* * *

Disclaimer: Hmm… I wonder if I did own Happy Tree Friends…

Mondo Media's lawyers: (Ahem!)

Mark Shepherd: Calm down, calm down, I was just kidding, jeez.

(Lawyer walks away) Anyways folks, I'm happy to say that I survived that plane crash; As a reward for it, I will give you guys hopefully another hilarious interview with your fellow Happy Tree Friends characters. By viewer request, today we will interview Shifty's nincompoop brother, Lifty.

Mark Shepherd: Anyways folks, today's interview will be about Shifty's brother, Lifty. That's strange, they are usually always together.

Cameraman: Are you sure this is safe?

Mark Shepherd: Shut up! I didn't ask you for that answer!

Lifty: (Typing away on his laptop and talking into a disposable phone.)

Mark Shepherd: Hey! Dumpster looter! You with us here?

Lifty: I am not a dumpster looter!

Mark Shepherd: Are you sure about that?

(Lifty pulls out his pistol at Mark Shepherd.)

Mark Shepherd: I stand corrected…

Lifty: What do you want from me, oversized pink chipmunk?

Mark Shepherd: Although I would normally get mad at that, that's not my point today. We had an interview scheduled, remember?

Lifty: I don't have time! Can't you see that Shifty and I are robbing a bank?

Mark Shepherd: Really? It looks like you're just typing garbage into a black box.

(Lifty pulls out his pistol onto Mark Shepherd again.)

Mark Shepherd: Sorry!

Lifty: Ughh, fine? Lets just make it quick…

Mark Shepherd: Finally, First question. So how long have you guys been working for Mondo Media in the Happy Tree Friends series?

Lifty: Ever since the conception stage of it.

Mark Shepherd: Wow, so does this mean that you guys were made before the show was even made?

Lifty: Actually, the director drew my brother Shifty first, but then he drew me sometime later…

Mark Shepherd: So, what did you guys do for the cast back then?

Lifty: We were working as interns handing out coffee and doughnuts for the crew.

Mark Shepherd: How the hell did you guys serve their food without…

Lifty: We managed.

Mark Shepherd: Uhh, ok. So the guys from Mondo Media just picked you guys to be inside the series of Happy Tree Friends?

Lifty: Yes, although we were most likely supposed to be playing a larger role.

Mark Shepherd: Huh?

Lifty: We thought we were supposed to play Cuddles' role, but the staff picked that rabbit over us.

Mark Shepherd: (Covers nose) Were the staff blind, or particularly lacked the sense of smell?

Lifty: I don't know, but why the hell would you need the scent of smell for anything?

Mark Shepherd: That's just another reason for me to call you a Dumpster raider.

Lifty: That's just… Uh, hold on a second, breaking into the bank's defences were a lot harder than we thought it would be…

Mark Shepherd: So, tell me, how does your clan of robbers try to execute its operations?

Lifty: We manage a lot, forming into a hierarchy similar to military units.

Mark Shepherd: As a former Captain inside an air force squadron, I know you guys work nothing like military command. But anyways, how does this hierarchy work? Like Boss, Second man, assistant…

Lifty: Actually, its more like who steals faster and gets away first and leaving the rest behind…

Mark Shepherd: Uhm, ooookayy… I guess that's why you never get away with anything…

Lifty: (Over the phone) Damn it! Shifty, get behind that wall, the guards are going to see you!

Mark Shepherd: Getting right back to business… So, how is the life of crime these days?

Lifty: Although we don't steal much, the government can never catch up to us, as Lumpy is the usual policeman around.

Mark Shepherd: Huh? What the hell does that mean?

Lifty: It means that we are….. Invisible.

Mark Shepherd: Trying to get that dramatic effect eh?

Lifty: Was it well timed?

Mark Shepherd: I would give you an eight for it. But seriously, that must be a bitch for the people you raid from, considering that Lumpy does practically nothing.

Lifty: Yes, we are unstoppable.

(Several green and white skunks with police uniforms crash into the building with an APC behind them.)

Skunk 1: I wouldn't say that.

Mark Shepherd: Huh?!

Skunk 1: Greetings pink citizen.

Mark Shepherd: What is your name, may I ask?

Skunk 1: You may. I am the squad leader of the 21st patrol team, and we are here to eliminate these filthy robbers. You may best call me… Sergeant Liveshits.

Mark Shepherd: …Liveshits?

Sgt. Liveshits: Yes indeed my friend.

Mark Shepherd: That doesn't sound like a very "happy" name, if you know what I mean…

Sgt. Liveshits: Yes, for I was not raised by my biological parents.

Mark Shepherd: (Smacks self) Oh right! With such a name, you must be raised by-

Sgt. Liveshits: Yes, for I was raised by Mutant Bloodsuckers in the Ukrainian half of the Chernobyl exclusion zone.

Mark Shepherd: Mutant….. Bloodsuckers?

Sgt. Liveshits: Yes indeed; they raised me like one of their own. It was a tough life, but I was eventually brought back to America by wandering tourists.

Cameraman: Dude, this is too weird for me, I think I'm going to puke…

Mark Shepherd: Shut up! I don't pay you for your trash talk!

Cameraman: You don't pay me at all; I was an intern!

Mark Shepherd: Whatever. (Turns back to the skunks) So what brings you here?

Sgt. Liveshits: We are here to eliminate that robber.

Lifty: WHAT?!

Sgt. Liveshits: This is Liveshits Doorslinger, and by all arms my men, we are here to remove this filthy robber from our town!

Mark Shepherd: …Doorslinger?

Sgt. Liveshits: (Beaming with pride) Yes indeed!

Mark Shepherd: …The bloodsuckers..?

Sgt. Liveshits: Correct my friend!

Mark Shepherd: Wow, those must be some weird bloodsuckers down there in Ukraine.

Lifty: YOU CAN'T DEFEAT ME! (Pulls out his cellphone and pistol)

Mark Shepherd: Oh right, Lifty, almost forgot about you there...

Sgt. Liveshits: We'll see about that. ATTACK!

(Sgt. Livshits and his men bear hug and beats up Lifty)

Mark Shepherd: WAIT! One more question to ask…

Sgt. Liveshits: (Beating up Lifty) Better make this quick…

Mark Shepherd: Lifty, how many men are inside your group of robbers?

Lifty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP ME MEN!

(Lifty explodes, splashing gore all over Mark Shepherd.)

Mark Shepherd: (Covered in gore) Ewwww, that's going to be hard to get out of my shirt.

(Lifty's group arrives at the building and proceeds to fire at Mark Shepherd and Sgt. Liveshits.)

Sgt. Liveshits: Looks like our work here is done; lets move people.

Mark Shepherd: WAIT FOR US!

(Sgt. Liveshits and his squad gets into APC and takes off as the robbers close in.)

Mark Shepherd: Oh crap, time to get out of here…

(Mark Shepherd and the cameraman jumps out the balcony.)

Mark Shepherd: (Huff) Must. (Puff) Get away.

Cameraman: HEY, WAIT FOR ME!

Mark Shepherd: TOO BAD, IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF HERE!

(Cameraman falls down.)

Cameraman: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

(Film footage gets cut off.)


	8. Splendid

Disclaimer: Who cares? We all know what a disclaimer is, right? I don't own Happy Tree Friends, Mondo Media, and, uhh, really its getting annoying writing that crap.

Once again, welcome to another series of Happy Tree Friends: Interviews. Once again, we will go on the adventure to interview all of the famous (and not so famous characters) while attempting to make you laugh at the same time. Getting right back on topic, today our interview is with the flying supersquirrel, Splendid.

Mark Shepherd: Welcome Splendid.

Splendid: Thank you Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: I hope your trip here was pleasant.

Splendid: It sure was… hey…

Mark Shepherd: Yeah?

Splendid: May you lend me 10 grand?

Mark Shepherd: (Spits out coffee) WHAT?!

Splendid: Nevermind…

Mark Shepherd: What was that all about?

Splendid: Well, just a few weeks ago, the writers had an argument over me getting out with the girls and something about screwing up the canon or some crap…

Mark Shepherd: Uh huh…

Splendid: Well, somewhere during the heat of the fight, I told them just to shove it, and the director made a thing or so about his sexual reference into my script…

Mark Shepherd: Oh boy…

Splendid: So yeah, the police busted us in the end for committing child pornography and I had to pay off the fine (Grumbles bastards…)

Mark Shepherd: …okay…moving right along… when did you become a superhero?

Splendid: I had superpowers ever since I was born, but they refuse to believe that you are one if you don't graduate from the superhero school…

Mark Shepherd: That didn't go out so well?

Splendid: I thought it was a great way to attract ladies, but really, they just make you play Superman64 and teach you how to be a nerd…

Mark Shepherd: Well, that's gotta suck…

Splendid: So, what else do you need to know?

Mark Shepherd: Oh right, so, is it true that your evil twin, Splendont, is superior to you?

Splendid: Well he was superior to me, but then I showed him who's boss behind the urinal…

Mark Shepherd: May I ask how?

Splendid: Lets just say you don't mess with someone high on heroin, even with their pants down…

Mark Shepherd: Um… ok. So, how would you celebrate a victory like this?

Splendid: I castrated him.

Mark Shepherd: You WHAT?!

Splendid: Yeah, there isn't room for two people to knock up super babies with the girls, and I just put him out of that place…

Mark Shepherd: On the other hand, I don't think I needed that info…

(Sniffles suddenly comes in.)

Sniffles: Hey Mark Shepherd, I was going to ask about my inter- OH MY GOSH! IT'S THE MIGHTY SPLENDID!

Splendid: (Rolls eyes) Oh shit, here we go again…

Sniffles: (Starts bowing) I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M NOT WORTHY!

Splendid: CUT THE CRAP YOU LITTLE PRICK!

Sniffles: Sorry…

Mark Shepherd: Um Sniffles, now is not the time…

Sniffles: Hey Splendid, my master… my liege…

Splendid: What is it?!

Sniffles: Can you sign my journal?

Splendid: Why don't you $&*# off?!

Sniffles: OH MY GOSH! THE GREAT SPLENDID JUST TOLD ME TO $&*# OFF! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

Splendid: (Sighs)

Mark Shepherd: Hey Sniffles, now is not the time; Can't you see we have very important work to complete?

Sniffles: Important work? This is your kitchen, and you don't even have underwear on…

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Hey Sniffles, isn't that a comic con down the street?

Sniffles: REALLY? MAYBE I CAN GET THAT FINAL COMIC FOR MY COLLECTION!

(Sniffles takes off down the street.)

Splendid: (Looks out the window) Quick, lets get this over with; I don't know how long that will keep him distracted.

Mark Shepherd: Moving along quickly; are you ever going to face off your evil twin inside more future episodes?

Splendid: Oh shit, he's coming back, time for me to go…

Mark Shepherd: WAIT! YOU DIDN'T AWNSER MY QUESTION!

(Splendid takes off.)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Better lock the door before Sniffles comes back…

(Mark Shepherd locks and closes the door.)

Mark Shepherd: Well, looks like this interview is over…

Sniffles: (Bangs on the door) Hello? Splendid? Are you there?

Mark Shepherd: Uh, stay tuned for when I interview Handy next time…

Sniffles: (Bangs harder) Splendid? Mark Shepherd? I know you're in there!

Mark Shepherd: Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers…

Sniffles: (Bangs even harder) Come on! Let me in!

(Mark Shepherd picks up the phone and starts to dial)

Sniffles: Come on! I know you're in there!

Mark Shepherd: Hello? 9-1-1?


	9. Handy

Disclaimer: You know the deal… I say "I don't own Happy Tree Friends or anything related to Mondo Media…" Yeah, and that other stuff that would get me sued by them or something. (You lose!)

Hello again fellow readers. Because I have received plenty of positive results from this story, I will award you guys with another hilarious chapter of interviews with your favourite Happy Tree Friends characters… although I would've wrote more even if you guys flamed the crap out of me. Anyways, on with the story.

Mark Shepherd: Hello again readers, today's interview is with our handless carpenter, Handy.

Handy: Hello Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: Hello, well lets get started on this interview… well for starters, HOW THE HELL DO YOU HAVE HANDS?!

Handy: Oh, uh yeah… about that, you see… I wasn't really handicapped inside the series Happy Tree Friends…

Mark Shepherd: Oh really? Then why didn't you have arms inside the show?

Handy: Well… uh… I…I…

Mark Shepherd: Well?

Handy: I… I just didn't like to work too much.

Mark Shepherd: Huh?

Handy: Yeah, I told the crew to make me handicapped so I can tell the others what to do for me…

Mark Shepherd: Well that's pretty pathetic…

Handy: I know, but those lazy bums can't do anything right, so in turn I get killed too.

Mark Shepherd: Wow, so what did you do next?

Handy: I did what any respectable car mechanic would do; say that famous line for that commercial, "Uh oh! Better get Maaco!"

Mark Shepherd: I actually have no comment for that…

Handy: Uh… anyways, what else do you need to know?

Mark Shepherd: Right, so what else do you do other than work in the Happy Tree Friends cast?

Handy: I had a serious drinking problem and it ended up dumping all of my savings into the detox center.

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Yeah… uh… Do I dare to ask you for your plans of the future?

Handy: So you want to know eh?

Mark Shepherd: Well, considering how my last couple of interviews went, I would have to say no to that.

Handy: Oh… but since you mentioned it, I'm gonna tell you anyways.

Mark Shepherd: Oh joy… (Eyeroll)

Handy: Yeah, since they don't need me too much for the cast, I think I'm going to take my vacation time and use it on a travel tour around the world.

Mark Shepherd: REALLY!? FINALLY, a normal, CIVILIZED answer-

Handy: Yep, a travel tour to have sex with every woman in every country.

Mark Shepherd: I stand corrected…

Handy: I think I'm going to start with Germany… mmh, Germans…

Mark Shepherd: Oh… Dear… God…

Handy: (Droooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: Handy…

Handy: (Droooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: Handy?

Handy: (Droooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: HANDY!

Handy: Huh? Sorry, I was in my little fantasy world again…

Mark Shepherd: Please, for the love of god, don't mention Germans ever again.

Handy: Germans… (Droooooooooooooooooooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: Jesus Christ, I'm starting think Petunia picked the wrong person to be her little sex toy…

Handy: (Drooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool) Huh? Petunia? Damn! That's one hot number…

Mark Shepherd: Oh dear god…

Handy: Mmmmmmmmmmmhh… Petunia… (Drooooooooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: W-wait a minute, how the hell can you be drooling if nothing's coming out of your mouth?

Handy: I don't know, you're the one that's writing this thing…

Mark Shepherd: REALLY?! I am? DAMN! Lets see here… delete story… delete story…

Handy: Don't blame me for your inability to write a coherent story…

Mark Shepherd: SHUT UP!

Handy: Yeah, when I get to Germany, I think I'm going to-

Mark Shepherd: Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Let me get this very straight to you Handy; THIS ISN`T NC-17!

Handy: I heard they pay half grand for a blow-

Mark Shepherd: SHUT UP! (Hits Handy with a mop)

Handy: Huh? Oh, sorry about that… heh… heh…

Mark Shepherd: Jeeze… do you think or do anything else other than sex Handy?

Handy: Well, I used to hang out with Petunia, but then she had too much stuff to clean up, so now I'm all alone with nothing else to do than this.

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well… I guess that's it for this interview… Stay tuned for when I interview Lammy next time… Until then… good day and good ni-

Handy: Mmmmmmmmh Germans…

Mark Shepherd: STOP THAT! Anyways, until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.

Handy: Mmmmmmmmmh… I think I'm gonna go and start that world tour…

(Handy rushes out the front door.)

Mark Shepherd: (Shudder) This is going to be a loooooooooong week...


	10. Lammy

A/N: Another requested interview, this time requested by PLAINAWESOME. So if you're reading, enjoy!

* * *

Disclaimer: Well ladies and gentlemen, since we all know what a disclaimer is, I think I'm going to shake things up a bit by reciting some memorable times from the past…

(Ahem) I think I'm going to say that famous line for that commercial, "Uh oh! Better get Maaco!" Wait a minute, that was just yesterday when I had that disturbing interview… Speaking of interviews, lets get it on with the Lammy interview! (Gulps)

Mark Shepherd: I can't believe I'm still writing this, but since I am, I hope that the user that requested this interview is happy with it. Anyways, on with the Lammy interview!

(Kim Jong Un comes in and takes a seat.)

Kim Jong Un: Hello Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: O_O WHAT THE HELL?

Kim Jong Un: What? What's wrong?

Mark Shepherd: You sure don't look like Lammy, if you know what I mean…

Kim Jong Un: I'm not Lammy!

Mark Shepherd: Then who are you?

Kim Jong Un: I am Kim Jong Un, the fattest person in North Korea.

Mark Shepherd: (Puts down coffee) And what does that mean?

Kim Jong Un: It means that my father created the Earth and is going to steal the moon.

Mark Shepherd: (Picks up coffee again) Good grief, I'm starting to think that someone put LSDs into my coffee…

Kim Jong Un: WHAT!? HOW DARE YOU DEFY MY FATHER-

(Lammy and Mr. Pickles comes in and chases Kim Jong Un off.)

Mark Shepherd: What was that all about?

Lammy: Well, that fatass Kim was following me for quite awhile now, along with the other Happy Tree Friends…

Mark Shepherd: Why would he do that? Shouldn't he be worshipping his father's portrait or something?

Lammy: He apparently has a fetish with forest animals and has stalked us around for some time now.

Mark Shepherd: Oh boy…

Lammy: So to put it short, he wants to capture us all and bring us back to North Korea and then he's going to-

Mark Shepherd: On the other hand, I think that's enough info about that pervert…

Lammy: Right, I think we had an interview scheduled, where do we begin?

Mark Shepherd: Uh right, how are you doing so far?

Lammy: Pretty good, considering I just got back from my vacation in Germany…

Mark Shepherd: Tell me, how was your vacation?

Lammy: It was decent; the people were good, and while I was in Berlin, I think I saw Handy breaking into a lady's house with a crowbar, funny eh?

Mark Shepherd: (Low voice) Not really…

Lammy: What was that you say?

Mark Shepherd: OH uh, I mean, next question; So, being the newest member inside the Happy Tree Friends series, how do you feel?

Lammy: It was quite alright, although I really didn't like the whole being paired with some guy type of crap…

Mark Shepherd: Huh? What do you mean?

Lammy: Oh come on! The rest of the girls probably took all the men before I even met them!

Mark Shepherd: Uh, there's only four girls in the whole cast, with you included…

Lammy: Well, for starters, do you really think I can compete with those other bimbos with so much fan boys and fan girls?

Mark Shepherd: Sorry, what?

Lammy: Can't you see I'm a sheep? I look too different than the other girls, and the rest of them probably dated all the men before I can even touch them…

Mark Shepherd: Riiiiiiiight, then why were you flirting with Disco Bear the other day?

Lammy: Oh yeah, I forgot about that…

Mark Shepherd: (Falls over) HOW CAN YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE A DATE?

Lammy: I don't know, I guess I was pretty doped up with the drugs he used on me…

Mark Shepherd: (-_-) He used drugs on you?

Lammy: Yes, but it ended up backfiring on him, didn't he tell you during that interview?

Mark Shepherd: He sure did…

Lammy: Say, where did Mr. Pickles go?

(Mr. Pickles runs by with Mark Shepherd's laptop, along with a pornographic film playing on screen)

Mark Shepherd: Oh no, you did not just use my credit card for that film again!

(Mr. Pickles puts down the laptop and proceeds to jump Mark Shepherd.)

Lammy: WAIT! STOP!

(Mr. Pickles and Mark Shepherd tackles each other into the camera, cutting the footage off.)

Some time later…

(Lammy leaves the house crying, holding Mr Pickles snapped in half)

Mark Shepherd: (Puts on flight suit) Well… looks like this interview is over…

(Mark Shepherd gets handed a card.)

Mark Shepherd: (Looks at card) Uh, stay tuned when I interview Cuddles next time. Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.


	11. Cuddles

Disclaimer: Yeah, Yeah, yeah, you know the normal deal… I don't own Happy Tree Friends, and really, who is dumb enough to think I do?!

Wow, I'm STILL writing this thing? Don't I have anything better to do? Anyways, to celebrate the beginning of a new month, I will dish out another interview with your favourite Happy Tree Friends characters.

Mark Shepherd: Hello again readers, and welcome to another episode of Happy Tree Friends: Interviews. Today's interview is with the yellow rabbit, Cuddles.

Cuddles: Hello Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: Hello, and well for starters, why don't you tell us about your life so far?

Cuddles: A lot better, considering that I just got back from my vacation to North Korea…

Mark Shepherd: Uhm… that's very strange of you, but ok. How was your vacation in North Korea?

Cuddles: It was terrible! Like come on, there's only ONE fast food restaurant in the whole country, and they don't even have cheese inside their burgers!

Mark Shepherd: Um, anything else you want to add to that?

Cuddles: It was also quite weird how everyone was staring at me for using a fat dudes portrait as a toilet wipe…

(Loud crashing noise)

Mark Shepherd: What the hell was that sound?

Cuddles: See, I told you this place was weird…

Mark Shepherd: Cuddles, were in Canada right now, not North Korea…

(Several North Koreans break into the room.)

Mark Shepherd: O_O WHAT THE HELL?

North Korean: We are here to capture that traitor!

Cuddles: Erp! (Hides behind Mark Shepherd)

Mark Shepherd: Umm… do you let witnesses go unharmed?

North Korean: It doesn't say so in our handbook… So I guess we get to kill you all. (Raises up his gun at Mark Shepherd and Cuddles.)

Mark Shepherd: (Gets behind table) OH shit, here we go again…

(Switches to commercial)

T.V Announcer: Still having problems with those traumatized war veterans? Is your trusty shotgun not doing its job anymore? Well, now from the creators of your tamagotchis, really loud cellphone ringtones and the swearing censor, we now bring to you the new and improved FLIPPY-BE-GONE!

Paid audience: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

T.V Announcer: But don't take it for granted, as here is a test example of the real thing…

Evil Flippy: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Paid audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

T.V Announcer: (Clears throat) Now, for our test subject.

Test subject (Shifty): Hey, there was a sign outside that said 20 grand in five minutes or less?

T.V Announcer: Absolutely! Now just stand here…

Shifty: Whatever… Say is that Evil Flippy?

Evil Flippy: (Licks lips) ) Grrrrrrrrrrr…

T.V Announcer: Oh don't mind that… (Sprays Shifty with some FLIPPY-BE-GONE)

Shifty: HEY what are you doing? OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT AWFUL SMELL?!

T.V Announcer: It also comes in Lemon and Petunias… (Gets behind bulletproof glass) OK boys, let it rip!

(Evil Flippy is released from the cage)

Shifty: Man this stuff better not stain my clothes… AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

T.V Announcer: Uh… we still apparently have some bugs to work out…

Shifty: OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!

T.V Announcer: But, uh, don't let this impede the steadiness of our quality…

Shifty: OH GOD! ITS EATING MY KIDNEYS! SOMEONE HELP ME!

T.V Announcer: Uh… anyways, That's FLIPPY-BE-GONE for you… Just 99.99... Plus tax. Some side effects may include nausea, constipation, headaches, uncontrollable urination, loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of sight, loss of hearing, loss of taste, loss of smell, kidney failure, liver failure, severe cramping, back pain, skin cancer, lung cancer, sterility, lactation, heart burn, memory failure, burning sensation in the genitals, and death.

T.V Announcer: And if you call now, we will throw in a free travel bag! So call 1-800-666-FLIP! And order yours today!

Shifty: …(Gurgle)

Evil Flippy: (Munch, Munch)

(Back to our scheduled regular program)

Mark Shepherd: (Pulls out several darts out of his flight suit) Well well well, looks like someone mixed the bullets with the tranquilizers…

North Korean 1 (Tied up): YOU FOOL! I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT BULLETS!

North Korean 2 (Tied up): I thought a pink chipmunk and a yellow rabbit were soft targets, not trained fighters…

(Mark Shepherd gags the North Koreans)

Mark Shepherd: Alright, enough of this crap. Anyways, are you alright Cuddles?

Cuddles: (Several tranquilizer darts sticking out of his arm) ooooooooooouuuuuuggggghhhh…

Mark Shepherd: So, tell me, how is your life recently?

Cuddles: uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhooooooooouuuuuuuueeeeeeeessssss ss (Drooooooool)

Mark Shepherd: Uhh, I still don't know how you can drool when nothing comes out of your mouth… (Clears throat) Can I please have a translator?

Translator: Hey, I can speak drugged out retard.

Mark Shepherd: Perfect! First question; how is your life so far?

Cuddles: uuuuuuuuoooooouuuuuuhhhhh… (Translation) Not so great… Its been forever since Mondo Media actually made a proper episode with me in it… I just get killed for no pay inside the Happy Tree Friends: Breaks! I'm going to be out of work for awhile, not to mention my life insurance just went through the roof! How am I supposed to pay off my debts now?!

Mark Shepherd: Uhh, how and why are you in debt?

Cuddles: (Translated) Uhh, yeah about that, I have a gambling problem, and with Giggles and Lumpy, we owe Petunia roughly 19 grand…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, okay…

Cuddles: (Translated) Hey, 67 grand says I can take 21 more darts before passing out!

Mark Shepherd: Uhm, no.

Cuddles: (Translated) Damn it…

Mark Shepherd: Um, yeah, how is your-

(One of the North Koreans spits out his gag)

North Korean 1: I SWEAR, WHEN WE INVADE YOUR PATHETIC COUNTRY AGAIN, YOU ARE SO-

Mark Shepherd: Ohh no, I am NOT going through this crap again (Mark Shepherd slugs the North Korean with a ball bat, knocking him out.)

Cuddles: (Sighs) So, where were we?

Mark Shepherd: Wow, those tranquilizers worn off already?

Cuddles: (Shrug) Oh well…

Mark Shepherd: Right, so how is your relationship status so far?

Cuddles: WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY GIGGLES!

Mark Shepherd: O_O Forgot about that there…

Cuddles: I SWEAR, IF I EVER SEE DISCO BEAR AGAIN, HES SO DEAD!

(Cuddles runs off to the bathroom, weeping)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Why must I deal with everything?

(Mark Shepherd picks up his cellphone and starts to dial)

Mark Shepherd: (On the cellphone) Hello? Giggles? Hey, its me, I need you to come over to my place for a minute. Yes, I have a surprise for you. No, that pedophile Disco Bear won't be here. Uhh, no, I'm not going to place bets on that Globe Trotter game with Petunia and you guys… O_O NO! HANDY CANNOT COME WITH YOU! Anyways, I thought he was in Germany… -_- Wow, they actually kicked him out of Germany? No! He still cannot come! Look, just get over here, quick…

Cuddles: (In the bathroom) WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! MY GIGGLES!

Giggles (On video chat): O_O

Mark Shepherd: (Sigh) Just get over here! (Hangs up)

In a moment…

(Giggles comes in)

Cuddles: This better be good Mark Shepherd, I was in the middle of kissing my Giggles portrait!

Giggles: :_

Cuddles: (Turns around) Oh hey Giggles. (Turns back around) Another thing Mark Shepherd…- (Turns around again) GIGGLES!

Giggles: Hello Cuddles.

Cuddles: (Hugs Giggles in a tight grip) OH, DID I MISS YOU! ^_^

Giggles: (Gasp) Uh, its good to see you too Cuddles… (Sweat drop)

Mark Shepherd: (Blows nose) ITS… ITS SO TOUCHING! (Weeps)

(Disco Bear suddenly comes in.)

Disco Bear: (To Giggles) Heey there, you want to take me out on a date?

(Mark Shepherd "accidentally" picks up the skunk spray and sprays Disco Bear)

Disco Bear: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (Falls out the balcony)

Giggles: O_o Uh…

Cuddles: Now we can run off and get married like we always dreamed!

Giggles: O_O WHAT?!

Cuddles: (Carrying Giggles out the house) …We can have white doves at the wedding… maybe even a flower maid! And we'll invite all of our friends over…

Giggles: Wha..Bu- I…

Cuddles: And we'll be together forever and ever and ever!

Mark Shepherd: (Wipes up tears) T_T ITS… SO TOUCHING! (Weeps again)

Some time later…

Mark Shepherd: (Blows nose) Well, that was the most romantically pleasing moment of… er, I mean, that's it for this interview, and may I wish the happy couple a long and fruitful marriage…

Cuddles: You bet! (Drags Giggles away into his car)

Mark Shepherd: Er, I guess that concludes another one of our Happy Tree Friends interviews… Stay tuned for when I interview… (Gets handed a card) O_O (Sweat drop) Sniffles… May god be with us…

* * *

A/N: Well, I think that's the longest interview I will ever write. Please R/R


	12. Sniffles

Disclaimer: Ding Dong, my brain is gone! (Pukes)

No really, I think my brain is gone from making up these interviews and actually writing them… (Mops up the puke) O_O Speaking of interviews, lets get on with one!

Mark Shepherd: Hello again people, and welcome to another series of Happy Tree Friends interviews. YES! With us today is…(Stares at the cue card) Oh no, No… NO… NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Starts to cry) ITS… ITS SNIFFLES! (Breaks down sobbing like a little girl)

Sniffles: BOOYAH! BABY! WAZZUP!

Mark Shepherd: O_O Oh… god… no…

Sniffles: Hey Mark Shepherd! How's it hanging?

Mark Shepherd: Uh, its "hanging" very nicely, thank you very much…

Sniffles: Dat cool.

Mark Shepherd: Uh, Sniffles?

Sniffles: Word.

Mark Shepherd: Um, are you feeling ok?

Sniffles: Wha? You kidding? I ain't never been betta!

Mark Shepherd: There's something different about you… something ominous…

Sniffles: Say wha? Hey can we get on with this interview already? I gotta be chill'in with my home boys later… as soon as I get me some homeboys…

Mark Shepherd: HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE ACTING GHETTO!

Sniffles: Straight up!

Mark Shepherd: (Cries into hands) Why god? Why must I have to interview these freaks?

Sniffles: Cuz, yous a fanfic writer.

Mark Shepherd: (Wipes up tears) Oh yeah…

Sniffles: So, waz the first question?

Mark Shepherd: Right, so how do you feel about your role in the cast Happy Tree Friends so far?

Sniffles: Is tight.

Mark Shepherd: Huh?

Sniffles: Is sick.

Mark Shepherd: What?

Sniffles: It was sweet.

Mark Shepherd: (Rubs ears) Say wha?

Sniffles: -_- It. Was. Good.

Mark Shepherd: Okay then… how did you feel about it?

Sniffles: I dunno… I was sorta tripp'in seeing how crappy my role and o'l…

Mark Shepherd: So you kept tripping on the set crapping over your role?

Sniffles: No! I meant that I was upset on how crappy my role was…

Mark Shepherd: Well why didn't you just say so?

Sniffles: I did say so you foo!

Mark Shepherd: Hey, you just sounded like Mr. T a second ago.

Sniffles: O_O Wha?

Mark Shepherd: So what's with the whole acting ghetto thing?

Sniffles: Just getting back to my roots man…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, Sniffles, I hate to break it to you, but you're not black… In fact you're not even human. You're an anteater, and the director gave you light blue fur colour…

Sniffles: Oh right…

Mark Shepherd: I mean, if any real black people saw you now, you'd get a good whoop-

(Petunia breaks into the room looking pissed)

Petunia: Where's da fool runn'in around acting like he's all ghetto!?

Mark Shepherd: O_O (Points to Sniffles)

Sniffles: Er… Uh, hello Petunia… Uh… How's it hangin' dawg?

Petunia: Oh you did not just talk to me like that!

Sniffles: O_O Eep!

Mark Shepherd: WAIT a minute! You're not really black Petunia!

Petunia: :_ SAY WHAT?!

Mark Shepherd: Remember? The director made you an indigo and white skunk, not black and white…

Petunia: Oh yeah…

Sniffles: (Phew)

Petunia: But I'm still blacker than this fool!

Sniffles: Erp!

(Petunia decks Sniffles and proceeds to lay whoop ass down on him)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Just go to another commercial…

(Switches to commercial)

T.V Announcer: Hello folks! Since our FDA approval on the "FLIPPY-BE-GONE" was a bust… We'd now like to-

(Mark Shepherd busts into the room suddenly)

Mark Shepherd: OH god! Not another one of these!

T.V Announcer: Huh?

Mark Shepherd: Okay… lets get one thing clear, the FLIPPY-BE-GONE is total crap! This stuff sucks! Like did you guys just mix radioactive waste and lemonade together hoping for the best?!

T.V Announcer: HEY! Who blabbed?!

Mark Shepherd: WHAT!?

T.V Announcer: (Gulp) Um, I mean, who in the right mind made you think of that? (Sweat drop)

Mark Shepherd: (Narrows eyes)

T.V Announcer: Um… anyways, we are here to show off our latest product… The SFUV!

Mark Shepherd: An SUV? What's so great about that?

T.V Announcer: Not an SUV! Its an SFUV! (Makes stupid grin)

Mark Shepherd: -_- What the hell are you guys talking about?

T.V Announcer: Well… we noticed the rising popularity of SUVs… and we really wanted to boost the popularity of forklifts… so we just put the two together!

Mark Shepherd: Um, what exactly is the end result of it?

T.V Announcer: This! (Unveils SFUV)

Mark Shepherd: GOOD LORD! That is the ugliest concoction of metal I have ever seen!

T.V Announcer: Um, say what now?

Mark Shepherd: I've never seen something so badly designed! it's the stupidest thing I have ever seen!

T.V Announcer: Hey now! Don't judge it by its looks!

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) I guess your right… so what type of mileage does it get?

T.V Announcer: Zero in the city, negative twenty on the highway.

Mark Shepherd: Forklifts don't drive on the highways, smart one…

T.V Announcer: Oh, uh, heh heh… forgot about that over there…

Mark Shepherd: (Muttering to himself) How the hell can you even get negative mileage…

Mark Shepherd: -_- Anyways, does it lift faster?

T.V Announcer: Um, no, in fact, if anything, it lifts even slower…

Mark Shepherd: What?! Why is that?!

T.V Announcer: Well, it has to move around a lot of extra mass added onto the vehicle itself… you know the saying… the bigger the better, right?

Mark Shepherd: (Mumbles) moron… anyways, does it have enhanced hydraulics and electrical systems to lift more?

T.V Announcer: Why yes it most certainly does!

Mark Shepherd: ^_^

T.V Announcer:… it was needed to move the huge amount of mass added onto the vehicle.

Mark Shepherd: -_- Excuse me, but can I make one quick phone call?

T.V Announcer: Uh, okay…

Mark Shepherd: (Pulls out cellphone and starts to dial a number) Hey, its me. Yeah, I need five of them. Preferably? Large, hungry, and mean tempered. Thanks… -_- No, I'm not buying any cookies at the moment… NO! I do not want to do that! Why don't you ask Handy instead? Jeeze, bye!

T.V Announcer: Uh, who was that?

Mark Shepherd: Just an associate. (Looks all innocent)

T.V Announcer: So, are you planning to buy one of these bad boys?

Mark Shepherd: (Looks at watch) OH would you look at the time! I better be going back to the show now… (Runs off) Have fun and play nice!

T.V Announcer: Huh? Play nice?

Mark Shepherd: (Still running) I wasn't talking to you!

T.V Announcer: o_O (Turns around to face five hungry wolves) uh oh…

Mark Shepherd: See ya in the digestive tract, buddy! (Laughs like a maniac)

Wolves: Grrrrrrr….

T.V Announcer: (Gulp) S-so, are any of you agents in-interested in purchasing an SFUV?

Wolves: Grrr?

(Back to our scheduled program)

Mark Shepherd: Okay, now that we have things settled out…

Sniffles: Ouch…

Petunia: Well, I'll be back if this fool gives you anymore trouble.

Mark Shepherd: Straight up! (props to Petunia)

Petunia: Right, see ya! (Props)

Mark Shepherd: Okay then. So Sniffles, how are you feeling?

Sniffles: (Groan) I think I just landed on my keys…

Mark Shepherd: Aw-poor-baby. So, next question; Are you going to have any future appearances for Happy Tree Friends?

Sniffles: Er, yeah I do. At first, however, those Mondo b-atches wont let me in any more roles…

Mark Shepherd: Er… so what happened?

Sniffles: Heh, I showed dem foos…

Mark Shepherd: Hey, you just sounded like Mr. T again.

Sniffles: SHUT UP! Anyways I showed them…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, so what exactly did you do?

Sniffles: I camped in front of their houses for three months.

Mark Shepherd: (Falls over and wipes nosebleed) Uh, isn't that illegal?

Sniffles: Uh, well it COULD BE… Well anyways I camped in front of dem fool's houses and they gave in after the fifth arrest.

Mark Shepherd: YOU GOT THEM ARRESTED?!

Sniffles: Uh, actually I got arrested… Heh, they thought I had some sort of a street credit for all the times I've been in jail for all the times they got me arrested for trespassing. So in turn, they gave me a "bad boy" role for future episodes…

Mark Shepherd: So that explains the whole ghetto thing…

Sniffles: Straight up, and I'm digg'in it.

Mark Shepherd: Digg'in it?

Sniffles: Too seventies?

Mark Shepherd: Uh… anyways you can stop now, its really getting annoying…

Sniffles: Well, I don't care! Acting ghetto makes me feel cool!

Mark Shepherd: O_O Uh, I would say that…

Sniffles: I don't care! Nothing will stop me from acting ghetto!

Mark Shepherd: Oh really now? (Pulls out cellphone and starts to dial)

Mark Shepherd: Hello? Hey its me, can you come over? I need a favour to do. Thanks!

Sniffles: Who's da?

Mark Shepherd: ^_^ Nobody.

Sniffles: (Gulp) You didn't call Petunia again, did you?

Mark Shepherd: Not at all.

Sniffles: (Phew)

(Doorbell rings)

Sniffles: ERP!

Mark Shepherd: o_o Its just the door, calm down, jeez.

Sniffles: Hmph, I knew that!

Mark Shepherd: -_- (Opens door)

Splendid: Hey Mark Shepherd. You said you needed something?

Sniffles: ERP!

Mark Shepherd: Have a seat Splendid.

Splendid: Thanks, anyways you said you needed something? (Notices Sniffles) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sniffles: (Erk!) H-hello (Ack) Splendid... H-how are (ugh) you?

Splendid: O_O Er… fine… (Turns to Mark Shepherd) What the hell, he's not clawing at me in his usual fan boy mode…

Mark Shepherd: Hes trying to act all tough and ghetto.

Splendid: So am I safe?

Mark Shepherd: Until he can't take the fan boy pressure anymore.

Splendid: Hmmmmmm… interesting… So Sniffles, how have you been doing lately?

Sniffles: (Ack) I'm been (Groan) doing... (UGH!) o..k..a..y...

Splendid: :_ Oh god, he's about to pop!

Mark Shepherd: ^_^ This is going to be so cool!

Sniffles: Can't… Take… Much… More!

Splendid: …Hello.

Sniffles: ACK! (Loud popping sound) OH GREAT SPLENDID!

Splendid: O_O

Sniffles: OH PLEASE GREAT SPLENDID! JUST SIGN MY UNDERWEAR! (Reaches into pants and rips out his boxers with a loud ripping sound)

Mark Shepherd: :_ Ohhh, that's gotta hurt…

Splendid: O_O HOLY SHIT! I'm getting out of here!

Sniffles: OR SIGN MY CHEST! (Opens up shirt to reveal an assortment of gold chains and other jewellery)

Mark Shepherd: -_- More stuff for the ghetto look?

Sniffles: Heh, I got it from the Mr. T collection, on sale…

Mark Shepherd: -_-

Splendid: Well my work here is done… (Jumps out the balcony)

Sniffles: OH GREAT SPLENDID! COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED MY UNDERWEAR YET! (Chases after Splendid)

Mark Shepherd: Um, well, that's it folks… for this interview. Stay tuned for when I interview that skunk, Petunia, next time… Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.

Sniffles: Please! Just sign them once! (Chases after Splendid with boxers)

Splendid: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mark Shepherd: (Sweat drop)

* * *

A/N: Wow, this interview was even longer than the last one. Please R/R


	13. Petunia

A/N: OMG, you mean I did another request? Alright, last request, this interview was requested by AnimeGamerChic117. If you're reading this, enjoy!

* * *

Disclaimer: To own Happy Tree Friends? Or not to own Happy Tree Friends? THAT is the question…

(Mondo Media's lawyers taps foot impatiently)

Mark Shepherd: (Sweat drop) Er, and that is a very EASY question to answer…eh, heh… No, I DON'T own Happy Tree Friends.

(Lawyer walks away pleased)

Mark Shepherd: (Phew) Anyways, sorry I didn't update this thing lately. I have been very busy with work and… ALRIGHT! I'm a lazy prick that wasted his time watching random drunk videos… Anyways, today we will be interviewing that skunk, Petunia.

(Snoring sounds)

Mark Shepherd: AHEM! I said, today, we will be interviewing that skunk, Petunia.

(Cricket chirp)

Mark Shepherd: Uhhh, this can't be good…

(Mark Shepherd pulls out his cellphone and starts to dial)

Mark Shepherd: Hello? Hey, I thought you said you can come for an interview scheduled today! What do you mean you can't make it?!… MARRIAGE PROPOSALS?! THAT STUCK UP BITCH- What? What do you mean, only a short delay? (Sighs) Well I guess its better than nothing…

(Mark Shepherd puts down the cellphone)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) I guess our guest Petunia is running kind of late today… For some sort of a marriage proposal. That marriage is going to go so horribly wrong…

(2 hours later…)

Petunia: (In Russian accent) Hello Mark Shepherd.

Mark Shepherd: Erm, hello Petunia, I have heard a lot about you…

Petunia: (In Russian accent) All very good I hope.

Mark Shepherd: Um, well, for starters, you were kind of slow over that whole "Marriage proposal" thing.

Petunia: (In Russian accent) (Smirking) Good! I guess my clever ruse worked well!

Mark Shepherd: Erm, clever ruse?

Petunia: (In Russian accent) Yes! By making Flippy think that I am a dimwitted neat freak, it gave me an ample chance to sneak into his house and set explosives in his toilet seat! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Cracks up)

Mark Shepherd: Wait, so the whole being a neat freak thing was all for a trump card to get revenge on Flippy?

Petunia: (In Russian accent) Yes! For killing me offstage and the glorious Soviet Union!

Mark Shepherd: (Hands Petunia a world map) Uh, there is no Soviet Union anymore…

Petunia: (In Russian accent) Oh um, then for the safety of our fellow citizens!

Mark Shepherd: Um, yeah, did you ever use it for the safety of your fellow citizens?

Petunia: (Still in Russian accent) Well, I guess I forgot to arm the explosives…

Mark Shepherd: (Mumbles "moron"…) Well anyways, what's with the whole Russian accent thing?

Petunia: Well, about that, I actually was trying to act ghetto at first before speaking with that accent.

Mark Shepherd: Considering you're not even black, I'm just going to guess that didn't work out so well…

Petunia: Actually it went perfectly at first, but then it all went downhill when Flippy started to act ghetto and sent Sniffles and I to the ER a few times.

Mark Shepherd: So that explains the whole payback thing…

Petunia: Well, what else do you need to know?

Mark Shepherd: Well… when I interviewed Handy, I heard that he had a thing or two about you, what did you think about it?

Petunia: Hmmmmmmmmm… Yes, he would be good to fill up a few hours during the night… Yes…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, what about love? Feeling? Emotion? You know, the sort of thing that actually goes into a relationship?

Petunia: Relationship? Who said anything about a relationship?

Mark Shepherd: So he's just someone you screw around when you're bored?

Petunia: That pretty much sums it up.

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) I was really hoping to go with one episode without some kind of a crude sex joke…

Petunia: Well that idea pretty much just blew the valves did it?

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) I guess it COULD be worse…

(The doorbell rings and is proceeded by pounding sounds.)

Mark Shepherd: Well, seeing how my previous episodes went, I can guess that it would be either some North Koreans, Sniffles, or even Mondo Media's lawyers. Say Petunia…

Petunia: Yeah?

Mark Shepherd: (Holds up a shotgun) Up for killing someone?

Petunia: Why would I want to do that?

Mark Shepherd: Remember that they glued cockroaches onto your toilet seat?

Petunia: Yes…

Mark Shepherd: Great, then kill that guy at the door!

A few seconds later…

Petunia: DIE SCUMBAG! (Fires shotgun)

?: AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!

Mark Shepherd: "AAAIIIIEEE?" That's strange, usually the North Koreans and the others make more of an "AAAAAAAHHHH" sound when killed…

Petunia: (Walks back carrying a pizza) Mmmmmmmmmh… olives…

Mark Shepherd: Wait a minute, where did that pizza come from?

Petunia: From that guy you told me to kill.

Mark Shepherd: Since when did North Koreans carry pizzas?

Petunia: North Koreans? There were no North Koreans, just a guy wearing a Pizza Pizza uniform…

Mark Shepherd: Uh oh…

Petunia: Say, your neighbours made a lot of commotion after I killed that guy… I think I'm going to be on my way now…

Mark Shepherd: WHAT?! You're just going to leave a corpse lying on my porch?

Petunia: Didn't the North Koreans also lie dead on the porch several times?

Mark Shepherd: Yes, but who gives a shit about the North Koreans? You actually killed someone of importance!

Petunia: A pizza boy?

Mark Shepherd: YES OF COURSE A PIZZA BOY! Those guys are the backbone of this nation! If it weren't for them, we wouldn't have such quality programming like Happy Tree Friends and Dick Figures, our relations with Italy would be down the toilet, and soccer parties would have to go to places like Salad Shops for their victory lunches!

Petunia: Wow… I never thought of it that way…

Mark Shepherd: That's right! If it weren't for Pizza boys, thousands of teenagers would starve! Birthday parties for kids would have meals of actual nutritional value, and we would be utterly deprived of a food good enough to put pepperoni on! (Turns face to camera) So next time you get a pizza delivered, make sure to leave a little extra something, something for your pizza boys! Because... Without them, what would this nation be reduced to?

Petunia: (Sniff) That was simply beautiful.

Mark Shepherd: (Bows) Thank you.

ATTENTION: This ad is sponsored by the National Save Pizza boys Association. Hundreds of Pizza boys a year quit their jobs because of lack of respect and care. So please... Next time you see your local pizza boy... Give him a hug, and show him just how much you care.

Mark Shepherd: Wow, I should've taken up advertising a long time ago. (Puts a huge wad of cash away.) So, where were we with the interview?

(Cricket chirp)

Mark Shepherd: Um, Petunia?

(Sees police lights flashing outside)

Mark Shepherd: Hmm, that can't be good…(Sees note on table and reads it)

(Ahem)

Dear Mark Shepherd,

I'm sorry that we have to cut the interview short due to police intervention. I hope we can finish this chat sometime later.

Sincerely, Petunia.

P.S: FOR THE SOVIET UNION!

Mark Shepherd: Well, I guess that's the end of this interview. Huh, I'm surprised that nothing else went wrong… OH Shit! I just jinxed it!

(Kim Jong Un comes in and pulls his pistol on Mark Shepherd.)

Mark Shepherd: Oh shit…

(Several SWAT team members enter the room.)

SWAT officer: Excuse me pink citizen, but can you tell me who did such a horrible act to a poor pizza boy?

Mark Shepherd: Uh… (Light bulb) Why yes I can officer! (Points to Kim Jong Un) IT was him! The fatass with a pistol!

Kim Jong Un: o_O Say wha?

SWAT officer: (Tackles down Kim Jong Un) You are under arrest you sick bastard! For the murder of an innocent and defenceless pizza boy! (Glares) I hope they molest you good in prison, son of bitch!

Kim Jong Un: Erp! (Gets dragged off into SWAT van)

Mark Shepherd: Wow, that actually ended better than most of my interviews… (Looks at porch) HEY! They didn't even take the pizza boy's corpse away! What the hell am I supposed to do with it?

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well I guess I have to clean up this mess. Thanks again for tuning in for another episode of Happy Tree Friends: Interviews. Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.

Mark Shepherd: (Grabs mop and bucket) Now where did I put those body bags…


	14. Giggles' Mom

Disclaimer: OK, instead of writing a disclaimer this time, I think I will tell you guys my life story instead.

I was born in a small village just outside of Tbilisi, Georgia. I worked my way across the border into Turkey by attempting to sell life insurance, but seeing as no one in the Georgian SSR needed life insurance, I hitchhiked instead and jumped a plane to Canada. There I found a position in the Air Force, but then everything just went downhill as my snotty childhood friend followed me there and was occupied in the same position as me.

What does that mean? It means that no one cares about my life, just like how no one cares about these disclaimers before trying to get someone sued. Anyways, on with the story.

Mark Shepherd: Right, so on with the interview. With us today is…(Shuffles through papers) Giggles' Mom, the only mother in the whole series.

Giggles' Mom: That's right

Mark Shepherd: So, anyways, please tell us how your life is so far.

Giggles' Mom: IT SUCKS!

Mark Shepherd: Well that answer was rather expected, but can you tell us why it sucks?

Giggles' Mom: Mondo Media doesn't pay me enough, plus the fact that I never get to meet my daughter in the filming!

Mark Shepherd: …

Giggles' Mom: Not to mention that my lover ditched me for Splendont. Like out of all of them, WHY did he ditch me for that nutless eunuch?!

Mark Shepherd: Hmm, who was your lover anyways, Disco Bear or someone like that?

Giggles' Mom: I wanted to go with Sniffles, but in the end I had to settle it out with Lumpy.

Mark Shepherd: (Spits coffee out all over the place) O_O

Giggles' Mom: Say how old are you?

Mark Shepherd: Um… why do you ask?

Giggles' Mom: Nothing… (Puts on Lipstick)

Mark Shepherd: o_o I do NOT like where this is going…

Giggles' Mom: Oh come on, you got to be between the age of 15 to 21... (Attempts to kiss Mark Shepherd)

Mark Shepherd: (Blocking off Giggles' Mom) NOOOOOOO!

Giggles' Mom: Are you sure? Because I…

Mark Shepherd: Zip it

Giggles' Mom: But I was just-

Mark Shepherd: When a serious problem arises, sometimes you must learn to keep it in.

Giggles' Mom: Oh come on, would you at least let me-

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Fine, if you're that desperate, I suppose you can kiss me once after this interview. BUT only if you don't touch me during the interview.

Giggles' Mom: REALLY!? (Ahem) I mean, damn, being desperate and all is sure going to make my life a lot harder…

[**ONE MINUTE DOWN, 3 MORE TO GO]**

Mark Shepherd: Soo… how did your contract with Mondo Media play out?

Giggles' Mom: Not too hot, considering that I only made one appearance in the whole series of Happy Tree Friends.

Mark Shepherd: Riiiight… so what did you do when you weren't in the filming?

Giggles' Mom: I worked as an intern making sandwiches for the rest of the staff.

Mark Shepherd: That didn't turn out so well?

Giggles' Mom: Other than the fact that they don't pay me, I got laid off for spilling some syrup. And they didn't even give me some employment insurance!

Mark Shepherd: Uh, isn't that illegal?

Giggles' Mom: Well I guess you could say that… but I showed them…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, well what exactly did you do?

Giggles' Mom: I got several other people dressed in white from a fundamental organization to help me raid Mondo Media's headquarters.

Mark Shepherd: O_O Uh, out of sheer curiosity, was this organization's name starting with a K or something like that…?

Giggles: Mom: Actually I think it did… was it the KKR? KTP? KPF?

Mark Shepherd: Uh, I think I'll skip this part, as some viewers may be offended…

Giggles' Mom: KAA? KLF? Oh yeah, I think it was the KK-

**[TWO MINUTES DOWN, 2 MORE TO GO]**

Mark Shepherd: Anyways, um (Shuffles through papers) What are your plans for the future, considering that you got laid off from Mondo Media?

Giggles' Mom: Well I ever since I got laid off I have began to make plans elsewhere.

Mark Shepherd: Really? Like what?

Giggles' Mom: Well, right now I've been talking to some writers and we're in the works of a new T.V series.

Mark Shepherd: Interesting… What's it called?

Giggles' Mom: I came it up myself… Daughter and Mother!

Mark Shepherd: …

Giggles' Mom: Well? What do you think?

Mark Shepherd: Who in the right mind would want to produce that?!

Giggles' Mom: The FOX network.

Mark Shepherd: OH, now it makes sense.

Giggles' Mom: Uh… I'm not sure what you mean by that, but we start production tomorrow.

**[THIRTY SECONDS LEFT.]**

Mark Shepherd: Damn, you're really eager.

Giggles' Mom: Well, the employees at Mondo Media were extremely strict. I couldn't sneak porn into the studio even if my life depended on it. The fact that Happy Tree Friends was extremely bloody doesn't change anything.

Mark Shepherd: No kidding. Say, you just dropped your keys.

Giggles' Mom: Huh? (Looks down)

Mark Shepherd: HA! You touched me!

Giggles' Mom: WHAT?! But I was just looking to check the floor-

Mark Shepherd: Yeah, but in the process your head rubbed my leg. You know the rules.

Giggles' Mom: But… But… But…

Mark Shepherd: By the ways, your keys did fall out, just to prove that I'm not lying.

Giggles' Mom: But… (Sigh) Well I suppose this could be worse if-

(Mondo Media's lawyers and several North Koreans break down the door)

Mark Shepherd: Wait, what the hell?!

Lawyer: What? What's wrong?

Mark Shepherd: Since when did the North Koreans work with you guys?!

Lawyer: Well we hired them to protect our studio after that crazy bitch raided it.

Mark Shepherd: Ok, um, what brings you here?

Lawyer: We're here to arrest you for improperly writing a disclaimer. (Pulls out shotgun)

Mark Shepherd: Don't forget who's the boss of this little fantasy world! (Pulls out AK)

(Mark Shepherd's Mom suddenly comes in)

Mark Shepherd's Mom: AHEM!

Mark Shepherd: MOM, what the hell!? (Puts AK away)

Lawyer: Is that all you got?

Mark Shepherd: Not at all. (Pulls out laptop and clicks a button)

(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!)

North Koreans/Lawyers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Splat)

Giggles' Mom: Right, so where were we?

Mark Shepherd: You were crying over how you didn't get to lip bruise me.

Giggles' Mom: I was? Oh, ok… (Begins to sob) Ohhh, I was so close. (Sobs louder)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well if it seriously meant that much to you, I guess one kiss wouldn't hurt… (Closes eyes)

(One hard kiss later…)

Mark Shepherd: Well, I guess that's it for this interview. Stay tuned for when I interview… (Looks at card and throws it away) Nah, screw him… Anyways, stay tuned for when I interview Sneaky next time… Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.

Mark Shepherd: (Looks at his arm) Wow, she even left me her number? How desperate is she?!


	15. Sneaky

Disclaimer: You know the deal… I don't own Happy Tree Friends or anything related to Mondo Media… but who doesn't want to own Mondo Media, just imagine how much we can earn in a month…

Mark Shepherd: (Holding camera unsteadily) Hello. Do not attempt to adjust you computer, for I am in control right now. I am doing this to look like a total lunatic to help boost my reviews, and possibly sell you my used jumpsuit… (Holds up a gray flight uniform and a G-suit) fifty bucks, almost new… Anyways, today, from my twisted warped mind, we are bringing you another episode of…

HAPPY TREE FRIENDS INTERVIEWS- (Cough Cough Cough) Damn, my doctor told me to seriously stop doing that… Anyways, today's guest is the master of stealth himself, Sneaky.

Mark Shepherd: (Looking out the door) Hello? You there, Sneaky?

Sneaky: (Appears behind Mark Shepherd) I'm right here.

Mark Shepherd: (Turns around) Oh, hey Sneaky, how have you been?

Sneaky: Is tight, just hangin in my crib, with my homeboys…

Mark Shepherd: Uh, ok. So, tell me Sneaky, how is it like to become invisible?

Sneaky: Is tight, although I get rather annoyed when people bump into me.

Mark Shepherd: Hmmm… And you can actually climb up walls without any equipment?

Sneaky: Straight up! Me and gravity… (Does some gesture with his hands) Were like that.

Mark Shepherd: Right… So how was your mission to assassinate the Tiger General?

Sneaky: Not so hot… Mouse KaBoom was stubborn as bricks, not to mention that Flippy had no common sense, so I got killed before the mission even started…

Mark Shepherd: Riiiiiight… So, I have heard that some of the people were calling you a pervert.

Sneaky: Oh jeeze, you videotape Petunia changing in the woods and you're suddenly called a pervert…

Mark Shepherd: You actually videotaped her?

Sneaky: Yeah, ever since I got fired from Mondo Media, I'm planning to release my own movie, 'Happy Lunatic Friends'.

Mark Shepherd: Cool, may I have a copy?

Sneaky: Yeah sure. Although I would've finished it now, but the ladies kept on breaking my camera.

Mark Shepherd: Why would they do that?

Sneaky: Nothing big, I was just taping Giggles' mom changing…

Mark Shepherd: You videotaped her and got out alive?!

Sneaky: No, actually I lucked out. Right after she smashed my camera, she was about to attack me, but then Evil Flippy jumped in at the last moment and saved me.

Mark Shepherd: Um, what exactly did you do next?

Sneaky: What would you think I would do? I took out my backup camera and started to tape it.

Mark Shepherd: Hmmm, you know I actually have her number.

Sneaky: Really!? Although technically I'm not allowed within two hundred yards from her. (Pulls out a restraining order)

Mark Shepherd: O_O

Sneaky: Although I must warn you; she can get a bit clingy.

Mark Shepherd: Clingy?

Sneaky: Check your answering machine.

Mark Shepherd: ? (Presses play button)

Answering machine: (Beep) 8-27-13-Hey Mark Shepherd, its me, Giggles' mom, I hope you call.

(Beep) 8-29-13-Hey Mark Shepherd, its me again. I really hope you call.

(Beep) 8-30-13-Mark Shepherd its me again. Why haven't you called? Its getting really lonely with only myself.

(Beep) 8-31-13-Its me again. Let me just get to the point, I'm horny and alone. Call me!

(Beep) 9-1-13-Me again, I'm naked and alone. Call me!

(Beep) 9-2-13-I'M NAKED, HORNY, ALONE, AND I'VE HELD FLIPPY HOSTAGE! CALL ME!

(Beep) End of messages.

Mark Shepherd: Um… do I dare to ask what the date is today?

Sneaky: (Looks at his watch) it's the second of September.

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Looks like I'd better go and save Flippy… (Walks out the door)

Three days later…

Mark Shepherd: (Comes in through the door) What?! You're still here?

Sneaky: Well I wasn't exactly sure when you'd come back..

Mark Shepherd: Do you think that I didn't come back in the first few hours be a clue that you should've left?!

Sneaky: You actually spent three whole days over at her place?

Mark Shepherd: Apparently, her situation was that Mondo Media restricted her from getting explicit adult content, so she was apparently making up for her lost time.

Sneaky: HA! YOU DA MAN! (High fives Mark Shepherd)

Mark Shepherd: (Yawns) Now if would you excuse me, I have to be catching up on some sleep by now.

Sneaky: But its only seven PM…

Mark Shepherd: Did you really think that she would let me sleep in all that time?!

Sneaky: Damn… well then, see ya.

(Sneaky walks out, leaving behind the huge mess he made in Mark Shepherd's house.)

Mark Shepherd: (Sighs) Well anyways, that's it for this interview. I actually have no idea who to interview next, so feel free to drop any suggestions in the review section. Until then, good day and good night, fellow readers.


	16. Nutty

Disclaimer: I don't own Happy Tree Friends… Now comes the news that shocks you… But yes, its true…

Hello everyone! It's been awhile since I could get any time on the computer again from schoolwork, and… AW screw it! I think I'm just getting lazier! Anyways, on with the story.

Mark Shepherd: Hello again everyone! Welcome to the newest (and possibly the last) instalment of Happy Tree Friends Interviews! Today, here in Happy Tree Town itself, we will be interviewing that sugar addict himself, Nutty!

(Cricket chirp)

Mark Shepherd: Uh, okay, 1- Where is Nutty? 2- Where is the applause?

SFX guy: Uh, we are having some technical difficulties here…

Mark Shepherd: -_- Uh, what type of technical difficulties?

SFX guy: Well, uh, we have no power for the sound effects on the laptop.

Mark Shepherd: o_O What?! Why not?

SFX guy: Well to be frank, there are no outlets around for the plugs…

Mark Shepherd: NO OUTLETS?! Of course there aren't any outlets, We're in a forest you moron.

SFX guy: Sorry… heh, if it wasn't for the batteries and that spare jerry can, we would just as well be dead on the road…

Mark Shepherd: (Sigh) Fine… say what about the batteries and jerry can?

SFX guy: Well, we only have enough fuel to get back to Richmond, and the batteries are almost dead.

Mark Shepherd: Um, just exactly how long do we have on the batteries?

SFX guy: Fifty-five minutes.

Mark Shepherd: O_O WHAT?! FIFTY-FIVE MINUTES?! (Looks around frantically) Where is that hyper squirrel? I didn't spend my month's pay just to get lost in a forest!

(Some tree house, seeping out smoke…)

Nutty: Yes… ah, this is even better then candy…

Mark Shepherd: …

Nutty: Yes! Yes, I can hear you! What is it that you need?

Mark Shepherd: Get… Get…

Nutty: What? What is it that you want me to get?

Mark Shepherd: Get… Get out.

Nutty: Say what now?

Mark Shepherd: Get…. Out!

Nutty: o_O Wha?

Mark Shepherd: I said get out of that bathroom and get this interview started! (Starts banging on the door) I swear, if you are getting wasted or something in there, I will bring your affairs down to a more personal level! After I snap your sugar swollen neck!

Nutty: (Gets out of the house) Dude, mellow out.

Mark Shepherd: o_O Did you just call me 'Dude'?

Nutty: Uh, no?

Mark Shepherd: Yes you did! You called me 'Dude!'

Nutty: Uh, No I didn't.

Mark Shepherd: Yes you did!

Nutty: No I didn't.

Mark Shepherd: Yes you did!

Nutty: No I didn't!

Mark Shepherd: Yes you DID!

Nutty: DIDN'T!

Mark Shepherd: DID!

Nutty: DIDN'T!

Mark Shepherd: DID!

Nutty: O_O Uh, okay... Um, maybe I did... What's so bad about that?

Mark Shepherd: Uh, nothing I guess.

Nutty: Man, you're just as moody as Giggles and her mom.

Mark Shepherd: O_O AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! WHERE?!

Nutty: O_O What the…

Mark Shepherd: Er… Sorry…

Nutty: Let me guess, playtime was rough?

Mark Shepherd: Uh, I guess you could say that…

Nutty: I know what you mean… I went out with her for a week as part of a dare… when we were finished she took half of my stuff!

Mark Shepherd: Wow, she must have a heck of a divorce lawyer…

Nutty: Uh, no, actually after she dumped me, she broke into my house and stole half of my stuff!

Mark Shepherd: (Gulp) I just hope the new deadbolts are effective…

Nutty: (Sobs) And she took my best pot plants too! (Cries like a little girl)

Mark Shepherd: Uh, okay…

Nutty: (Still sobbing) I will miss you little Steve. And Melvin. And how can I forget Angel?

Mark Shepherd: O_O you name your pot plants?!

Nutty: O_O Uh, er,… well… no?

Mark Shepherd: -_- Well that's pretty pathetic…

Nutty: And you're the one to talk?

Mark Shepherd: What's that supposed to mean?

Nutty: Oh… nothing. (Whispers) Giggles' Mom…

Mark Shepherd: (Screams like a little girl) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Puts his bag over his head and ducks)

Nutty: Point made.

Mark Shepherd: -_- Can we just get on with the interview already?

SFX guy: Twenty minutes left on batteries

Mark Shepherd: O_O AAAAAHHHHHH! Uh, okay, first question… so, how does it feel like to be sugar high?

Nutty: Sugar what?

Mark Shepherd: Your sugar addiction! You were famous for it in the Happy Tree Friends series!

Nutty: Uh, suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure, whatever you say…

Mark Shepherd: ARE YOU SAYING YOU DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF THAT?!

Nutty: Well all I remember was that I was told to eat a bunch of sweets, but then I made a mistake in packing my bags and I ate a whole bag of cement instead and passed out… All I really remember was Sneaky getting slapped by the girls with a camera and some dude named Handy sneaking into a house… I just remember this because my weed ran out.

Mark Shepherd: -_- Right…

Nutty: Anyways, I ran out of pot, so once the haze lifted, I was out of my so called sugar addiction…

Mark Shepherd: So the sugar addiction thing was all a hoax?

Nutty: (Irritated sigh) YES! It was all fake! Now, as I was saying, I was mentally conscious long enough to see Handy sneaking into someone's room. Whoever was in that room sure was tough, as Handy got beaten up retty badly when he got out… Anyways, I got some more pot afterwards, and all I remember is waking up and seeing my phone reminding me of an interview with you.

Mark Shepherd: O_O THAT'S ALL YOU REMEMBER?!

Nutty: Yes… That and Giggles' Mom… (Grins) Dang, she was wild in the sack…

Mark Shepherd: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Gets down again)

Nutty: Are you going to keep doing that?

Mark Shepherd: -_- If I need to…

Nutty: (Sigh) Whatever…

Mark Shepherd: Well, I guess there's not much point with going on with this interview any longer... (turns to face SFX guy)

SFX guy: Four minutes left

Mark Shepherd: (Turns to face Nutty) Well, thanks for being with us today Nu-... Hey? Where'd he go?!

Treehouse: (smoke seeping out)

Mark Shepherd: -_- (Sigh) Fine... Well, I guess that's all for today's show folks... Next up, Algebra! (Looks at papers) ALGEBRA?! Dang, looks like I'm really late on schedule…

SFX guy: One minute left!

Mark Shepherd: (sigh) Looks like this show has come to a stalemate for now. Good day and good night, fellow-

Camera: (Low Battery)


End file.
